Your Computer, Your Separation and You

This post is about managing your electronic life after you and your partner have split up.

Change Your Passwords

Change all of your passwords to all of your electronic accounts. This includes your bank accounts, your ISP email account, your Hotmail, Yahoo and Gmail email accounts, your Twitter account, your blog and your Facebook accounts, and any other account you access through the internet. (Don't forget to reset the password to your computer, your phone and your voicemail while you're at it.)

You will also want to change your telephone access passwords with your bank, credit union and credit card companies, and you should update the list of people authorized to make changes to your utilities.

When you're picking a new password, don't pick the name of a child or pet or anything else which can be quickly guessed; you would not believe the number of clients of mine whose exes have hacked their accounts after the passwords had been changed! What you're looking for is a random word and a couple of numbers, plus a special character or two if they're allowed, which you can easily remember. For example:

27pickles#

cranky8fish!

h0m3sw33th0m3

If you can only pick numbers, don't pick four of the same number, 1234, your birthdate or a child's birthdate; pick something random and change it frequently.

Emails, Texts and Instant Messaging

Work on the assumption that everything you text, twitter or email to your ex will find its way into an affidavit. Write each message as if a judge will be reading it!

If you're on the receiving end of an unpleasant communication, on the other hand, keep a copy and make a print out. (This can be challenging with texts, but it can be done.) You must also resist the temptation to lash out and reply in kind.

Facebook

In addition to changing the permission settings for your ex, you want to be moderate in what you post. You know how you and your ex have all those friends in common? Assume that someone will be keeping your ex up to date.

Do you have any other tips to share? Please add a comment to this post.

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The Revenge of Facebook, Part III

CBC has reported on a survey of American divorce lawyers which found that Facebook ("Facebook helps you connect and share with the people in your life") had been cited in 1 in 5 US divorce cases and that the number of people using social media to conduct affairs seems to be on the rise.

In a dramatic but slightly bizarre press release titled "Don't Let Your Marriage be Among the 1 in 5 Destroyed by Facebook" issued by Loyola University commenting on the survey, clinical psychologist Steven Kimmons is quoted as saying that "improper use" of Facebook can "quickly devolve into marital disaster." The press release then offers some "safeguards" that must be intended for people with exceptionally poor impulse control:

1. Look at how you use social media to see whether you talk to more men or more women and whether there is a certain type of person you prefer chatting with. "That can tell you something about how you’re using social networks. You may not even be aware that you’re heading down a road that can quickly get pretty dangerous."
2. Set limits from the get go. "Spell out from the beginning with your online contacts what your expectations are of social networking relationships."
3. Don't get naughty with your online friends. "It’s a good idea to not engage in intimate conversation with someone who is not your spouse." Duh.
4. Share passwords with your spouse and "place the computer in a common area in the house or apartment." Like you would with an irresponsible teenager.

Hey, I'm on Facebook; drop me a line.

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The Revenge of Facebook, Part I

I've often thought of writing about the modern mischief Facebook seems to egg on, but it's always seemed too easy a target. The notion of being "unfriended" just isn't as funny as it used to be. And then along comes Nesbitt v. Neufeld, a November 2010 decision of the Supreme Court of British Columbia, and I am reminded that there are still lessons to be learned.

Dr. Nesbitt and Ms. Neufeld had been engaged it what the judge described as "protracted family court litigation" and resulted in Ms. Neufeld having primary care of the child, with Dr. Nesbitt having supervised access. I'm sure the litigation rankled. In any event the recently-published decision of Mr. Justice Crawford concerns not the family law litigation but an action in which Ms. Neufeld sought damages for defamation and breach of privacy from Dr. Nesbitt.

Ms. Neufeld's complaints centred around a variety of publications the court found to be authored by Dr. Nesbitt, including the "Wicked Wendy Neufeld" website (some related material can still be found on blogspot) featuring material from the family law litigation and some of her private communications, and a Facebook page titled "Wendy Neufeld Support Group" containing hurtful and sarcastic comments. To quote the judge, "that Dr. Nesbitt would dress his vitriol in such shabby clothing shows again a complete lack of social awareness."

Anyhow, the point here is that we as a society are well past the posting of anonymous pages on telephone poles. We live in the internet age where the scurrilous vituperations of an aggrieved individual are spewed across the globe for all to read in a second, and, just as the audience is massive, all that's required to discover it is a single ego-search. Hit PRINT and the broadcast is there to be attached to your next affidavit as Exhibit "A". Again, here's Mr. Justice Crawford:

"In this age of instantaneous broadcast to an innumerable number of people over the Internet, courts have acknowledged the aggravating factor this can have in determining whether the conduct at issue is defamatory and if so what the quantum of an award of damages should be."

The judge decided that Dr. Nesbitt had taken his custody fight with Ms. Neufeld "far outside the ordinary confines of the family court litigation," and awarded damages of $40,000 to Ms. Neufeld for breach of privacy and defamation, plus her special costs of the litigation on the basis that Dr. Nesbitt's conduct was "deserving of the Court's reproof."

I have to admit that I see things like this fairly frequently in my practice, sometimes as a result of wounded feelings, but sometimes and far worse as a result of a desire for revenge or retaliation. I won't moralize and tsk-tsk about the stupidity of such websites, blogs and Facebook pages; that ought to be obvious. Just remember that it's as easy to find and print these things as it is to post them, and I guarantee that they will find their way into an affidavit at the most inconvenient time possible.

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The Revenge of Facebook, Part II

For many folks, it seems that this is not in fact the most wonderful time of year. It turns out that this is the time of year when you're most likely to be dumping or being dumped.

Journalist David McCandless has used Facebook status updates, more than 10,000 of them, to figure out when we're most likely to leave a relationship. It turns out that Mondays are bad, so is the start of the summer holidays, but the two weeks before Christmas are second only to the beginning of spring break.

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